I think it’s time to see a therapist. There, I said it. I’ve been in denial for a long time. In previous posts I’ve talked about how well I’m doing and while I am, I’ve recently come into some self awareness. In the healing process, the bad memories have faded away, BUT the good memories have faded as well. I need to unpack my near 40 years of life, I want to remember the good stuff.
Someone from my past recently friend requested me. Their face was one I knew, but for the life of me I couldn’t place them. I noticed we had a couple of mutual friends so I reached out to one to ask who this person was. This person who friended me lived directly across the street from me during the time of my first adoption. I was so traumatized by the adoption and what was happening in my life, I couldn’t remember them and the memories that surround this person. Once I came to this realization, I discovered I don’t remember much at all of my Junior High years. I remember some friends, I remember being heavily involved in Girl Scouts, but I also remember some of the bad. I also remember not being in my 7th grade yearbook because I was adopted in the middle of school year and the yearbook staff didn’t bother to ask me what name to list me under. I don’t even have any of my yearbooks anymore so I don’t know why that still bothers me.
Same goes for high school. I remember the people and places. But I don’t remember the activities, the events. My bestie (Hey Bestie!) asks me a lot “Do you remember this? Do you remember so and so?” and I don’t. Trauma likes to rear its ugly head and block my childhood and adolescent memories both good and bad. While I appreciate the bad memories fading, I would really love to remember the good. I know we aren’t supposed to live in the past but this is not that. This is just trying to remember the good parts of my life that have been so overshadowed by the bad.
I’ve seen and heard it time and time again that healing is not linear. I am proof that this statement is true. I’m hoping that with some help, I can unpack my past to remember the good and properly process the bad.
So, if you have read this far, I have a favor to ask. I would LOVE for you to leave me a reply on the bottom of this blog post, or leave a comment on my Facebook post of your favorite memories of me. If you don’t want to share it publicly-feel free to click that Contact tab up top on the menu bar.